Wow, so this is awkward.
As usual, I do something for short period of time, then totally bail. Well now it's time to dust off my keyboard and try to actually commit to something. I joined a writing club at school, so I WILL be posting hopefully once every week or two. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I am also thinking of doing nanowrimo, so if I end up following through there will be radio silence for November, but there has been radio silence for a solid year, so I think that all you non-existent readers can handle it.
LET"S DO THIS.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Home alone
I really love being home alone. My dad is away and my mom had to be at work on Friday, and I had a snow day, so I had the house to myself.
I know it's super cliche, but really love dancing around and playing music super loud when no one is around. I have a distinct memory of me as a 7th grader being home alone for an afternoon, and me blasting the killers while dancing in my white girl way in the living room.
I spent the day pretty much reading and dancing around. And I loved it. Especially because the next few weeks are going to be full of performances and exciting things like going to NYC with the music program at my school, and going to a Frightened Rabbit concert.
There are pretty much two different types of perfect days for me. Which totally contradicts the idea of perfection but no one actually means perfect when they say perfect unless in special cases. I will stop rambling now.
One type is a day out with my friends doing something exciting and different. But the other type is spending the day alone, in my house, reading or catching up on a tv show or something.
I value social time, but at the same time I really need days to myself. And Friday was one of those perfect days.
I know it's super cliche, but really love dancing around and playing music super loud when no one is around. I have a distinct memory of me as a 7th grader being home alone for an afternoon, and me blasting the killers while dancing in my white girl way in the living room.
I spent the day pretty much reading and dancing around. And I loved it. Especially because the next few weeks are going to be full of performances and exciting things like going to NYC with the music program at my school, and going to a Frightened Rabbit concert.
There are pretty much two different types of perfect days for me. Which totally contradicts the idea of perfection but no one actually means perfect when they say perfect unless in special cases. I will stop rambling now.
One type is a day out with my friends doing something exciting and different. But the other type is spending the day alone, in my house, reading or catching up on a tv show or something.
I value social time, but at the same time I really need days to myself. And Friday was one of those perfect days.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Snowy Day
Nemo came, and blanketed my entire town with a heavy layer of white stuff. The streets are pretty much empty, and a lot of sidewalks are still covered in a two foot layer of snow.
Ah, snow. I don't exactly know why I love it so much. Maybe because it is beautiful, the flakes, and the effect it has on the world. One day, the streets are busy, and it is all just a mess of concrete and cars and people surging through the streets, intent on getting somewhere, anywhere. The next, everything is simply just white, pure, and beautiful. The streets seem lonely, but that's just because the people are stuck in their homes, warming themselves with blankets, hot chocolate, and a book or computer or a game of scrabble with their family. And when you finally venture outside, and you are blinded by the whiteness, and you feel the gusts blowing the flakes against your face, and your cheeks are becoming rosy red, and you feel alive. You breathe in and the cold air whistles through your lungs, and then you breathe out, and you are a dragon.
Maybe it's the fact that it stops the world for a second. It gives you a break, a reason to stay home and in your pjs and take a day to yourself.
Maybe it's the world of entertainment it opens up. Sledding, snowball fights, sculptures, and half-finished igloos that take all afternoon. Making a snow angel, getting soaked to the bone, and the satisfaction of going inside again, stripping off your clothes, and taking that steaming hot shower you waited so long for.
Maybe it's the delicate balance between solid and liquid.
Maybe.
All I know is that I love this snow.
Ah, snow. I don't exactly know why I love it so much. Maybe because it is beautiful, the flakes, and the effect it has on the world. One day, the streets are busy, and it is all just a mess of concrete and cars and people surging through the streets, intent on getting somewhere, anywhere. The next, everything is simply just white, pure, and beautiful. The streets seem lonely, but that's just because the people are stuck in their homes, warming themselves with blankets, hot chocolate, and a book or computer or a game of scrabble with their family. And when you finally venture outside, and you are blinded by the whiteness, and you feel the gusts blowing the flakes against your face, and your cheeks are becoming rosy red, and you feel alive. You breathe in and the cold air whistles through your lungs, and then you breathe out, and you are a dragon.
Maybe it's the fact that it stops the world for a second. It gives you a break, a reason to stay home and in your pjs and take a day to yourself.
Maybe it's the world of entertainment it opens up. Sledding, snowball fights, sculptures, and half-finished igloos that take all afternoon. Making a snow angel, getting soaked to the bone, and the satisfaction of going inside again, stripping off your clothes, and taking that steaming hot shower you waited so long for.
Maybe it's the delicate balance between solid and liquid.
Maybe.
All I know is that I love this snow.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Staying young
I think I may be inadvertently trying to avoid growing up. I had these plans you see. To get my driver's permit on my birthday, to get a summer job... But my mind is rejecting them, by not allowing to just sit down and read the manual, and trying to preventme from even addressing a letter to one of my references. It took me two weeks to print out the application and complete, and another to send it, and I still need to to mail the reference sheet to one of my references.
I feel completely out of control about it. I know it is part procrastination, but I think I also just don't want to enter the real world. My mind really wants to read and address, to make money and to finally not have to rely on my parents for rides, but it is having a lot of trouble with the middle part.
I feel completely out of control about it. I know it is part procrastination, but I think I also just don't want to enter the real world. My mind really wants to read and address, to make money and to finally not have to rely on my parents for rides, but it is having a lot of trouble with the middle part.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The Sober Friend
We are staggering around Boston, pretty much aimlessly. Two are making out at every possible opportunity. Two are flirting, and they like each other, but she has a boyfriend. One is screaming her secret at the top of her lungs, floating along, happy to lose herself. One is walking by himself for the most part, not drinking but only because of wrestling. And I am the sober friend.
Drunk off of vodka and mountain dew, people are saying things they wouldn't, then subsequently begging the others not to remember it in the morning. They are laughing and crying and begging me to let them have more, though they already had too much.
I should have brought my gloves, for my fingers are freezing as I am texting her mom from her phone since she sounds drunk, and doesn't want her to know.
I apologize to the passerby for the loudness of the group.
I wonder if maybe this night would have been more fun if I had some of the mountain dew. I realize I know for sure that's probably the case.
But I'm scared of not being the sober friend. I'm scared of saying things I don't want to. I'm scared of not being in control. I'm scared for my friends without someone to watch out. I'm scared I'll like it too much.
So I'm the sober friend, and probably always will be.
I contemplate this on the bus, as everyone is coming to their senses, as I worry about getting home on time, worry about worrying too much, worry about what people said when their brain didn't produce the filter it usually did.
Drunk off of vodka and mountain dew, people are saying things they wouldn't, then subsequently begging the others not to remember it in the morning. They are laughing and crying and begging me to let them have more, though they already had too much.
I should have brought my gloves, for my fingers are freezing as I am texting her mom from her phone since she sounds drunk, and doesn't want her to know.
I apologize to the passerby for the loudness of the group.
I wonder if maybe this night would have been more fun if I had some of the mountain dew. I realize I know for sure that's probably the case.
But I'm scared of not being the sober friend. I'm scared of saying things I don't want to. I'm scared of not being in control. I'm scared for my friends without someone to watch out. I'm scared I'll like it too much.
So I'm the sober friend, and probably always will be.
I contemplate this on the bus, as everyone is coming to their senses, as I worry about getting home on time, worry about worrying too much, worry about what people said when their brain didn't produce the filter it usually did.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Holidays
These holidays have not been the best holidays, but they are looking up.
Christmas eve and Christmas were lovely, and the weekend before I hung out with my friends, including a friend who just moved to Scotland, and one who just moved to Canton, 40 minutes away. I got some great presents, and it was just a really fun time in general.
On Christmas, I woke up with a cough, and a sore throat. I really thought nothing of it and went on my way. I saw Les Miserables (it was great and very emotional, I cried about 5 times) with my mom and sister since my dad was working, then we opened presents and ate a delicious meal. I read a great book throughout the day, Every Day by David Levithan. I finished it, and went to bed.
The next day, I had driving school. The night of Christmas, my nose was completely clogged and I had a very hard time getting to sleep, tossing and turning and such. But I woke up bright and early and went. As expected, it was unbelievably boring, and to make matter worse I had to keep getting up to get tissues. By the end of the class I was tired, freezing, shaking, and close to tears. I got in the car and pretty much just broke down.
I went home and took a bath, but the water was too cold. I got into bed and sure enough, I had a fever. I spent the rest of the day under the covers. I cancelled the birthday party I was going to have the next day, told the driving class, and my mom told me she'd take me in the next morning at 7:30 to see if I had the flu.
I woke up at 4:30 the next day, my birthday, with a headache behind my eyes. I drank some water and went back to sleep. I woke up again at 8, confused about why I slept late, and feeling nauseous. So I got up and made my way over to the door.
And I fainted dead away.
So I ended up spending the first half of my birthday in the hospital, getting 3 liters of fluid pumped into me through an IV, and dozing in the bed. So I got my first ambulance ride and hospital room for my 16th birthday. What else could a girl want?
The ran the tests, and I had the flu, and they finally let me go home. The only highlight of the day was watching Monster's Inc. with my dad at the end. And getting some books (Why we Broke Up and The Great Gatsby) and a dress , both of which I've wanted for a while.
So my holiday plans were ruined. Gone was getting driving school over with and going to the mall and spending time with my friends. In came watching 11 episodes of The Walking Dead in one day, and watching the 1st season of Downton Abbey.
I'm pretty much better now, and I can finally go out tomorrow again I think. So my holiday isn't completely done for. I still have a New Year's Eve party I am going to, and I only postponed my party till the 4th. So it isn't the end of the world. And we finally got our first real snow of the season. And it's truly beautiful. It's just the flu had very bad timing.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Apocalypse No
So the world didn't end up apocalypsing (well that's not English..). What a surprise!
This person I know on Facebook posted this:. "Maybe this is what the Mayans predicted. Not an asteroid, or a solar flare, but the end of what we are. We no longer cherish life, or other people, even the earth or the animals and the resources put on it. War, genocide, abuse, senseless mass murder, animal cruelty, gluttony, greed, waste and lust... Look around you, the end of the world is already here."
At first it made a lot of sense to me. But then I realized something. The world had already been like this for the entirety of the modern human race. See, back when the Mayans were alive, genocides happened everywhere (there own massacre for example), slavery, human sacrifices were rampant,etc. The only difference between then and now is we are aware of it. Well and the whole lustiness thing. But hey, people married earlier back then. We have even eliminated some of the evil, although some has been added.
We are mostly aware of the evil we do, and recognize it as such. And we do it anyways, because we cannot help ourselves. It's the reason Utopian communities always failed. People always say society is evil, and messed up, and they forget that they themselves make up society, and they alone can change it. I am not saying that people are inherently evil, I am saying that people are just far from perfect.
I feel as if the world is such a mixture of good and bad things. Like, for example, the Newtown shooting. That day, my sister came home, and I remember saying to myself at the beginning of the day that nothing could make the day bad. So naturally the world proved me wrong. These shootings, I find them hard to actually process and think about. My brain blocks them out automatically, the whole "ignorance is bliss" idea kind of rings true. Whenever my mom watches the news and something about it comes on, I have to walk out of the room. There is this quote "If you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention." I really don't like it. Because there is no point being angry all the time, at things you cannot control.
I always feel bad when I'm feeling bad. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Redo.
Whenever I feel bad about myself, about a situation I am in, or I'm just feeling down that day, I start to feel worse because my problems are all so tiny and stupid. They are all about guys not noticing me and friends not inviting me places. Because I could live in Newtown, I could be starving or friendless. I have a roof over my head, straight As, loving family and friends, and food in the fridge. So my life is pretty good, but I always want more.
I think it might be a human thing. Our own fatal flaw as a species. No matter how much you have, you always want more, and everyone is a bit selfish. I feel guilty for it, and I shouldn't, but I do.
Gosh this whole post doesn't even make any sense. Maybe its because I'm exhausted. This is the good and bad things. I'm exhausted and stressed, but it is finally vacation. My friend living in Scotland is coming back tomorrow, and a friend who lives 40 minutes away is also visiting, and it's almost Christmas and my birthday. I can finally sleep late multiple days for the first time in months. With all the bad things, the good shines through.
This person I know on Facebook posted this:. "Maybe this is what the Mayans predicted. Not an asteroid, or a solar flare, but the end of what we are. We no longer cherish life, or other people, even the earth or the animals and the resources put on it. War, genocide, abuse, senseless mass murder, animal cruelty, gluttony, greed, waste and lust... Look around you, the end of the world is already here."
At first it made a lot of sense to me. But then I realized something. The world had already been like this for the entirety of the modern human race. See, back when the Mayans were alive, genocides happened everywhere (there own massacre for example), slavery, human sacrifices were rampant,etc. The only difference between then and now is we are aware of it. Well and the whole lustiness thing. But hey, people married earlier back then. We have even eliminated some of the evil, although some has been added.
We are mostly aware of the evil we do, and recognize it as such. And we do it anyways, because we cannot help ourselves. It's the reason Utopian communities always failed. People always say society is evil, and messed up, and they forget that they themselves make up society, and they alone can change it. I am not saying that people are inherently evil, I am saying that people are just far from perfect.
I feel as if the world is such a mixture of good and bad things. Like, for example, the Newtown shooting. That day, my sister came home, and I remember saying to myself at the beginning of the day that nothing could make the day bad. So naturally the world proved me wrong. These shootings, I find them hard to actually process and think about. My brain blocks them out automatically, the whole "ignorance is bliss" idea kind of rings true. Whenever my mom watches the news and something about it comes on, I have to walk out of the room. There is this quote "If you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention." I really don't like it. Because there is no point being angry all the time, at things you cannot control.
I always feel bad when I'm feeling bad. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Redo.
Whenever I feel bad about myself, about a situation I am in, or I'm just feeling down that day, I start to feel worse because my problems are all so tiny and stupid. They are all about guys not noticing me and friends not inviting me places. Because I could live in Newtown, I could be starving or friendless. I have a roof over my head, straight As, loving family and friends, and food in the fridge. So my life is pretty good, but I always want more.
I think it might be a human thing. Our own fatal flaw as a species. No matter how much you have, you always want more, and everyone is a bit selfish. I feel guilty for it, and I shouldn't, but I do.
Gosh this whole post doesn't even make any sense. Maybe its because I'm exhausted. This is the good and bad things. I'm exhausted and stressed, but it is finally vacation. My friend living in Scotland is coming back tomorrow, and a friend who lives 40 minutes away is also visiting, and it's almost Christmas and my birthday. I can finally sleep late multiple days for the first time in months. With all the bad things, the good shines through.
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