Holidays

These holidays have not been the best holidays, but they are looking up.  

Christmas eve and Christmas were lovely, and the weekend before I hung out with my friends, including a friend who just moved to Scotland, and one who just moved to Canton, 40 minutes away.  I got some great presents, and it was just a really fun time in general.

On Christmas, I woke up with a cough, and a sore throat.  I really thought nothing of it and went on my way.  I saw Les Miserables (it was great and very emotional, I cried about 5 times) with my mom and sister since my dad was working, then we opened presents and ate a delicious meal.  I read a great book throughout the day, Every Day by David Levithan.  I finished it, and went to bed. 

The next day, I had driving school.  The night of Christmas, my nose was completely clogged and I had a very hard time getting to sleep, tossing and turning and such.  But I woke up bright and early and went.  As expected, it was unbelievably boring, and to make matter worse I had to keep getting up to get tissues.  By the end of the class I was tired, freezing, shaking, and close to tears.  I got in the car and pretty much just broke down.

I went home and took a bath, but the water was too cold.  I got into bed and sure enough, I had a fever.  I spent the rest of the day under the covers.  I cancelled the birthday party I was going to have the next day, told the driving class, and my mom told me she'd take me in the next morning at 7:30 to see if I had the flu.

I woke up at 4:30 the next day, my birthday, with a headache behind my eyes.  I drank some water and went back to sleep.  I woke up again at 8, confused about why I slept late, and feeling nauseous.  So I got up and made my way over to the door.

And I fainted dead away.

So I ended up spending the first half of my birthday in the hospital, getting 3 liters of fluid pumped into me through an IV, and dozing in the bed.  So I got my first ambulance ride and hospital room for my 16th birthday.  What else could a girl want?

The ran the tests, and I had the flu, and they finally let me go home.  The only highlight of the day was watching Monster's Inc. with my dad at the end.  And getting some books (Why we Broke Up and The Great Gatsby) and a dress , both of which I've wanted for a while.

So my holiday plans were ruined.  Gone was getting driving school over with and going to the mall and spending time with my friends.  In came watching 11 episodes of The Walking Dead in one day, and watching the 1st season of Downton Abbey.  

I'm pretty much better now, and I can finally go out tomorrow again I think.  So my holiday isn't completely done for.  I still have a New Year's Eve party I am going to, and I only postponed my party till the 4th.  So it isn't the end of the world.  And we finally got our first real snow of the season. And it's truly beautiful.  It's just the flu had very bad timing.

Apocalypse No

So the world didn't end up apocalypsing (well that's not English..).  What a surprise!
This person I know on Facebook posted this:. "Maybe this is what the Mayans predicted. Not an asteroid, or a solar flare, but the end of what we are. We no longer cherish life, or other people, even the earth or the animals and the resources put on it. War, genocide, abuse, senseless mass murder, animal cruelty, gluttony, greed, waste and lust... Look around you, the end of the world is already here."
At first it made a lot of sense to me.  But then I realized something.  The world had already been like this for the entirety of the modern human race.  See, back when the Mayans were alive, genocides happened everywhere (there own massacre for example), slavery, human sacrifices were rampant,etc.  The only difference between then and now is we are aware of it.  Well and the whole lustiness thing.  But hey, people married earlier back then.  We have even eliminated some of the evil, although some has been added.
We are mostly aware of the evil we do, and recognize it as such.  And we do it anyways, because we cannot help ourselves.  It's the reason Utopian communities always failed.  People always say society is evil, and messed up, and they forget that they themselves make up society, and they alone can change it.  I am not saying that people are inherently evil, I am saying that people are just far from perfect.
I feel as if the world is such a mixture of good and bad things.  Like, for example, the Newtown shooting.  That day, my sister came home, and I remember saying to myself at the beginning of the day that nothing could make the day bad.  So naturally the world proved me wrong.  These shootings, I find them hard to actually process and think about.  My brain blocks them out automatically, the whole "ignorance is bliss" idea  kind of rings true.  Whenever my mom watches the news and something about it comes on, I have to walk out of the room.  There is this quote "If you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention."  I really don't like it.  Because there is no point being angry all the time, at things you cannot control.
I always feel bad when I'm feeling bad.  Wait, that doesn't make sense.  Redo.
Whenever I feel bad about myself, about a situation I am in, or I'm just feeling down that day, I start to feel worse because my problems are all so tiny and stupid.  They are all about guys not noticing me and friends not inviting me places.  Because I could live in Newtown, I could be starving or friendless.  I have a roof over my head, straight As, loving family and friends, and food in the fridge.  So my life is pretty good, but I always want more.
I think it might be a human thing.  Our own fatal flaw as a species.  No matter how much you have, you always want more, and everyone is a bit selfish.  I feel guilty for it, and I shouldn't, but I do.
Gosh this whole post doesn't even make any sense.  Maybe its because I'm exhausted.  This is the good and bad things.  I'm exhausted and stressed, but it is finally vacation.  My friend living in Scotland is coming back tomorrow, and a friend who lives 40 minutes away is also visiting, and it's almost Christmas and my birthday.  I can finally sleep late multiple days for the first time in months.   With all the bad things, the good shines through.

Unsung hero

Today I had my soccer banquet (I guess yesterday but same thing), and I got the "unsung hero" award for my jv team. My dad pointed out the contradiction of me being recognized for being unrecognized. I love that. The banquet itself was about the same as last year's, except my dad didn't come and end up yelling at the coach this year (thank goodness).

Also, yesterday, I finally got a sort of large part in this singing thing I do. It isn't a principal lead, but just one step down, and it is a good fit for me with the work I have to do this year. It's the first time I got one, after doing it for about 8 years. I always managed to make up an excuse for not auditioning for a large part, except once, and even then I was unprepared and forgot the lyrics, and that was that.
I always ended up regretting my decision to not try afterwards. I kicked myself for not aiming higher, then did the same thing the next year. I didn't want to over-schedule myself, but I will never know if it would have been too much to handle, or if I missed out on something great. Sometimes I annoy even myself.
I have a chem quiz and an AP US History test tomorrow, so I should probably get to bed.

White squares

I went to the mall today with my friends. Me and one of my friends were walking ahead and I looked down at the familiar tiled floor, that familiar pattern of mostly blue with white squares making lines and patterns, and I remembered something:
"You know, when I was little, I used to try to only walk on the white squares."

We looked at each other, laughed, and then each set off, running on those white squares, trying to beat each other to an undetermined location, and trying not to crash into people. We giggled and ran through the mall, not caring how we looked, two teens running around like little children, not caring that someone we knew could see us. We jumped down steps and cut in front of each other, and she cheated a bit, then we sat down on a bench after we had got too far ahead of our other friends, to wait for them.

She was out of breath, and I not as much, but that's just because I do track. She laughed and said to me "I'm so out of breath. Never mention this to anyone again."
I asked her if she meant the running on those white tiles, or the whole tired after 30 seconds of running thing.
And she said how she was out of breath, and that made me very, very happy. Because I don't want to forget that feeling of flying through the mall with one of my best friends, that revival of my childhood.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like a little girl stuck into an adolescent's body, and I want to escape the whole being grown up façade that so many people put up. And it that moment, I felt it shatter, in a feeling of childish reckless abandon. My joyful little girl that likes to skip the first and last step of the staircase, who made up elaborate stories with her friends and beanie babies, the one who ran around the playground screaming and laughing, was back. And everyone needs to show that sometimes. I thank the white squares for those moments of being carefree.

Laughter

I'm talking about laughter. Not the polite giggle, or that sarcastic HAHA you emit when someone is teasing you. Not that little amused laugh when you hear a witty joke that you like a lot.

I'm talking about the rolling on the floor kind. The tears streaming down your face, bending over trying to relieve the pain in your abs that comes with it. It is one of the only types of pleasurable pain. I'm talking about the joke that keeps on going, people trying to add to the monstrosity through gasps of air, making the laughter erupt all over again. You are smiling and crying and aching and filled with love for this person, or these people, that can make you this way, this state of perfect happiness. Nothing else really matters except the moment, because there isn't really anything that can compete.

That laughter that makes you feel alive and loved and invincible, but fragile at the exact same time somehow. That laughter that makes you feel lucky to be there at that exact moment, with those people. That is what life is all about.